We Need to Talk (Repost)

I got back to Juneau last night, but for some reason life refuses to slow down! Today, while I get back up to speed, I hope you enjoy this repost. I wrote it in November of  2008, and if I'm completely honest, I still struggle with it. One thing I do believe though, His grace is sufficient for me...

I’ve decided to write a letter today. It’s not a normal, how-you-doing letter—it’s a break-up letter. This relationship has been going on for too long; in fact, most of my life. I tried to leave before, but it just seems like I have always got sucked back in. Enough is enough though and I’m calling it quits, once and for all. I have a better destiny ahead than what this limiting relationship has allowed me to have so it’s time to move on. Now I pray God gives me the strength to live out the completion. Here it goes,

Dear People-Pleasing,

I’ve known you a long time and we’ve been through a lot together. I remember you being there with me in school as I tried so hard to get good grades and still make sure everyone liked me. You told me though that I couldn’t come off too smart because then people would not like me anymore. I listened and listened intently, trying to fit in and stand out at the same time. I bowed down again and again to what you told me people were expecting from me. I was the good one, the quiet one, the one who didn’t make any waves or cause any trouble.

I remember trying to rebel in the tiniest ways in my teenage years against my box (like those teenagers so often do), but you made me feel so guilty, like I was letting everyone down. 

You weren't content with running my human relationships; you even tried to horn in on my relationship with God. I see now that you saw this as competition. If I was listening to God, I couldn’t listen to you and you were so jealous. When you finally realized I wouldn’t give up this relationship, you changed your strategy. You tried to tell me that Jesus could be my Lord, but that I could still get everyone to like me and we would never have any confrontations. Years and experience have taught me otherwise. I can’t say Jesus is my Lord and then not listen to Him. I’ve seen it over and over again, but I tried to ignore it and hoped it would go away. The truth is still the truth. Mediocrity and obedience don’t cohabitate or mingle. I either have to embrace mediocrity and live to please everyone like you want or I have to obey Jesus and walk out the great destiny God has for my life.

You have limited me and in some ways, crippled me. Thankfully, I know Jesus is the Healer and I don’t have to stay broken, but I have sided with you too long to my own detriment. I have spent way too many hours obsessing about what I should have done or how I could have done this or that better. Where has it got me? Absolutely nowhere. If I sound a little angry, it’s because I am. You stole from me and tried to tell me you were my friend. The next time you come to my door, promising to make everything better, I can’t let you in. I can’t trust you and trust Jesus at the same time. It’s over and I’m moving on.

You made me see myself as weak, stupid, and oblivious to what was really going on. Like any abusive relationship, you ran me down and told me I was nothing without you, that nobody would want me if I didn’t try so hard to please them. Now I know you are a liar and you never had my interests at heart. You just wanted to keep me bound away and ineffective. As bad as it was, I grew comfortable with our situation, but for my own sake, the sake of my marriage, and the sake of my children—I’m getting away from you. It’s not me, it’s you; and I mean that in all sincerity.

I need to be free to live my life and pursue God’s dreams for me. He trusts me and has given me a lot to do. You always told me I would mess everything up and never see anything through, but His confidence in me is definitely contagious. He said that I didn’t choose Him, but He chose me and He appointed me to produce a lot of fruit that will last. He’s never been wrong before, and He’s really opened my eyes to the devastation you’ve caused me already and what you want to do to my future.

So good-bye, People-Pleasing—don’t call, don’t write, don’t come to the house, don’t speak to my children, nothing. I don’t want any more contact. Tough decisions have to be made when we move forward, and you’re just dead weight. I wish I could say thanks for everything, but that would be a lie. I plan (along with God) for me to have a long, joy-filled, healthy life. The only way I can do that is without you.

Sincerely,

Jason

I don't know if it sounds silly as a letter, but thankfully I don't care anymore! I hope you see the point. God has promised to give us revelation in this season of what has held us back and He will always help us to overcome these things. Pain, heartache, fear, doubt, complacency, indifference, or even people-pleasing—nothing will stop God when we allow Him to work in us.

How about you? Do you have a relationship you need to break off so you can move forward? Tell us about it—write a letter or keep it short, up to you. Make a decision today and let God do a lasting work to move you forward.

Light Friday Hit List: 3/5/10

I am in Oklahoma at leadership meetings for our fellowship of churches (ICLC). Since I’ve been traveling this week, I don’t have as many favorites to share, but I did want to leave you with a few picks that will brighten your day and encourage your life.

Let’s start with the funny this week…

• Favorite Funny: Killer Youth Ministry Tips found on TerraceCrawford.com

Killer Youth Ministry Tips from Igniter Media on Vimeo.

• Favorite New Website: Do Something World
• Favorite Uncomfortable: Deeply Disturbed from HighCallingBlogs.com
• Favorite Unvarnished Honesty: Broken from Graceful: Faith in the Everyday

Then for some random pic goodness, I bring you Stepchild from awkwardfamilyphotos.com:

Don't let me interrupt your making out for the cameras, but your baby's about to roll away. :)

There you have it! Have a wonderful weekend and I appreciate your prayers as I minister in Oklahoma this Sunday (then return home on Monday).

Have a favorite link or want to discuss one of my picks? Please leave a comment so we can have a conversation. What are you waiting for- just do it!

Lessons from a Giant Mess

My life would be incomplete without drama. Normally, being a husband, father, and pastor (with an outside job as well) provides plenty of this; but last week as my wife was out of town, the drama escalated to crazy proportions.

Here’s the short version. My wife and I spent a lot of time cleaning our house on Tuesday night before she left so that I could be ready for the Bible study that meets at our home every Thursday night.  It was vacuumed, straightened, in order, and looking good.  All I had to do was keep up with for a couple days and I was home free.

This wouldn’t be much of a story if it ended like that though, would it?

I came home for lunch on Thursday to find that my 6 month old boxer puppy had manipulated her kennel door open and completely trashed the house.  Plants were overturned. Candles, stuffed animals, toys, and various other things were shredded and ripped apart.  Shoes (mine and my wife’s) had been chewed on. There were feces in various places and ground into the carpet as if she had run through it repeatedly. I found pee spots in at least four different places.

I had walked in through the garage, not knowing what was ahead. I walked into the laundry room and saw the first pile of poop. Panic set in pretty quickly. I walked into the kitchen to see some trash and rushed into the living and dining room where the worst of it was. It very much felt like the movie, Marley and Me.

I screamed. I screamed a lot.  Honestly, there were no obscenities. I couldn’t even think of any at the time. It was more shrieks of terror and rage. The dog went and hid from me, making me even more angry.  I screamed more. After finding her, I used one of the shoes she chewed on to punish her and pushed her out the door.

I screamed some more and banged my palm on the door a few times. “Ahhhh!” I shouted. “Ridiculous!”  Not proud of myself, but I carried on for quite a while. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been so upset in my life.

I went back to work tense and still upset. I tried to calm down, but it wasn’t as easy as I had hoped. I had to cancel the Bible Study so I could clean, but several things stuck out to me as I reflected on this.

• Screaming didn’t help, it made it worse.  Often we’re told to “let it out” but that’s not always helpful, especially in anger. I went through my afternoon so tense and it was hard to come back down. I realized what I wanted was change and screaming didn’t accomplish that. Physically, I even made myself hoarse. Emotionally, I was worn out. This is not even mentioning the poor dog who wouldn’t come to me when I called her in from outside. I made the mess worse.
• Doing the work is the only way to recover from a mess.  I screamed. I yelled. I did what anyone in this technological age would do, using Twitter and Facebook to show my disapproval.  I didn’t like the situation I was in. I hated that I had to cancel Bible study. I hated that I had to clean up a huge mess. I could have kept that attitude of complaining and grumbling as I did the work, but I knew it wouldn’t do any good. As I said, what I wanted was change. I had to just do the work and I could make it more or less painful with my attitude. Dogs make messes (and Lord knows, so do kids). You just have to do the work. Accepting it with humility is hard but necessary!
• The mess waited for me to clean it. Since I knew I had a night of cleaning ahead of me, I didn’t rush home but instead went to the gym after work.  Why? Spending mindless time on the elliptical machine is a huge stress reliever for me. I had already cleaned up the feces and urine at lunch so the rest was fairly standard cleaning (even if it was time-consuming). Sometimes we can tackle messes in the heat of anger and it takes us longer and causes more undue stress. It was much better when I had a better attitude to tackle it. Frame of mind is everything.
• I found myself thankful afterwards.  I wasn’t thankful for the mess so much (although I’m thankful I’m learning from it). I started thinking how much worse it could have been. I thanked God I came home at lunch even though it was a short one that day. I thanked God that my computer, other electronics, and their cords were not destroyed. I was thankful that the dog didn’t get into our walk-in pantry and go to town.  When you honestly reflect on a mess, there are always things to be thankful for.

If you find yourself in a mess today—whether a destroyed house, relationship, emotions, finances, or whatever else—understand that God is always bigger and greater. It doesn't matter if the mess is from your own choices or it was thrust upon you by others. I hope you can see some ways to deal with them more productively (even though it's hard). 

The Bible, or course, has a lot to say about anger and suffering (though I didn’t dive into it here). It’s always the first and greatest resource!

What’s your typical response to an unexpected mess? What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned from dealing with your own messes? Can’t wait to start a conversation!

Mad Church Disease (Ch. 3 Discussion)

I’m on a plane today headed for Oklahoma (I’ll be there until Monday).  There’s a leadership conference for our fellowship of churches and I am very excited to be going. I appreciate your prayers for me!

It may take me a little longer for me to respond, but Sarah Salter will also be helping to facilitate the discussion so I think we’re in for another great conversation.

By the way, if you would like to stay updated on the comments so that you can respond to other thoughts as they come, click on the Follow link at the bottom left of the comment box and you can choose either updates by email or RSS. I’d love to see more people interacting with each other’s thoughts too.  Okay, here we go!

Chapter Three: Internal Risk Factors

What’s on the inside is not always plain. We hide it. We mask it. Not only from others but even ourselves.  That’s why spiritual burnout is hard to see until it’s too late.  Most times, it’s from the heart and spirit that we draw our strength and courage, and burnout seeks to rob us of these things and more because things are out of balance.

That’s what kept resounding in me as I read this chapter: things are out of balance.

Some things we can’t change (for the most part). Personality type, our personal history, family health—these things have been handed down to us or formed over many years.  We take care of what we can take care of with our health.  We recognize what our personality types’ weaknesses would be so we can keep watch.  We recognize that our history (no matter how great, hard, or dysfunctional) is a valuable asset in sharing God’s love and truth. 

All those things seem to flow much more naturally (or supernaturally) when one thing is first: our relationship with Jesus.  The enemy attacks and destroys so that he can get to this most valuable commodity.  This is where burnout is so effective. 

Our relationship with Christ atrophies and dwindles less and less.  The source of our strength is cut off because we are cut off.  As we’ve already talked about, apart from Jesus you can do nothing (John 15:5).  We may be able to make it appear as if we are doing something for a while, but it comes to a screeching halt at some point.  There is a crash and burn because our relationship with God brings talents, time, other relationships, personal health, responsibilities, and everything else into focus.

I loved the quote that Anne used in the book from Oswald Chambers’, My Utmost for His Highest,

—If you want to be used of God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on Him, and he will make use of you every minute you live—yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of Him.

This is what burnout is fighting against—our effectiveness and true usefulness in God’s Kingdom.  He isn’t enamored of our talents. He didn’t call us for our many strengths. He saw a broken life in need of a Savior who could be reconciled in relationship and then turned around to love others the same way. 

When we truly are walking in a deep relationship with Jesus we are effective—intentionally and unintentionally.  What a beautiful thing!  Deep down that’s what everyone in ministry wants, to touch lives and see people changed by His grace. 

Lack of relationship steals the focus because we can’t have His vision and heart apart from Him.

• If you read the chapter, what stood out to you about the internal risk factors? Did you learn anything about yourself as you reflected and examined?
• For those and everyone else, what do you do to make sure relationship with Jesus stays the top priority? OR if this has been a problem in the past, how did you correct it?

Okay, let’s begin the conversation! Can’t wait to hear from you…

*and if you haven’t got your copy of Mad Church Disease yet, 

you can use the widget to the right to order it from Amazon.

Being Accepted & Barriers to Community

If you are a parent, you have undoubtedly suffered many indignities (if you haven’t, please let me know your secret).  There is the “showing off” when guests are at your home where they refuse to listen or just go crazy.  There are the loud outbursts in the quietest possible moments of church. And of course, there are the meltdowns and temper tantrums thrown in the aisles of grocery stores across the land.

Isn’t it amazing how when these things are happening to us, it is stressful and upsetting? But when we see somebody else’s kid on the floor of Wal-Mart, we may empathize and even offer a knowing smile to try to relieve some of their stress but we definitely don’t feel it the same way.

We have a lot more patience and understanding when it’s happening to someone else. At first I thought this might be an “I don’t really care because it’s not my problem,” but I don’t think so. For me, I have a personality that I want people to be accepted and comfortable. When a baby cries loudly during my sermon, I make sure to smile all the bigger to let them know it’s normal and we can all handle the interruption.

On more reflection, I genuinely feel like what it underscores again is the need for community and belonging. We need to know that we are not the first to experience the trials we are going through.  We need to know that there is hope on the other side whether it’s as big as sickness, deep disappointment, lack, condemnation, or depression—or as everyday as struggles with questions in our marriage, parenting, finances, or whatever.

Going back to the situation with our kids, we can be so frustrated and angry at their stubbornness or that they are embarrassing us. We can feel the same about our problems. Again, this can be anything from financial lack because of poor decisions or a battle with pornography—we are angry, frustrated, and embarrassed.

That doesn’t mean we can’t find a group in which we find acceptance, love, growth, and healing. While in the hardship, it’s hard to see in those moments that someone is smiling at you or even telling you that it’s okay. If you’re the other person in the grocery aisle/church row, you can play a part in making them feel at ease as best you can with very simple gestures.

I know some people who have said they won’t come to church because their kids won’t behave. I think that is so sad, but they may have reason for it based on their treatment in previous churches. The same is true for our “deep dark” secrets.  We think we’ll end up rejected and embarrassed because we are all alone.

Babies cry sometimes. Children misbehave. Struggles at times threaten to isolate or overwhelm us. We all deal with this, some of our own making and other situations being thrust upon us. We have to find ways to open up to safe people in our lives. At the heart of it, there is nothing that shocks Jesus or for which He didn't already pay for on the cross.

If that victory is real (and it is), it’s now the Church’s job to welcome, accept, and encourage.  The Church has to be a place of true community.  Struggles, trials, and sin are normal in this world, but thankfully we have grace that changes us.  It’s not that we pretend there’s nothing wrong with sin, but if we aren’t willing to walk out freedom with them we have no business judging and rejecting them.

What do you think? Do you see simple acts of acceptance as a good introduction to community? What do you think are the best ways we can break those barriers of people feeling isolated and alone in their struggles?

Appointed to Carry

This week’s Monday Meditations comes from a recent daily reading I did in the book of Numbers.  Hold on! Before you click away in search of a cat playing piano on Youtube, just hear me out.  Numbers 1:50 says,

Put the Levites in charge of the Tabernacle of the Covenant, along with all its furnishings and equipment. They must carry the Tabernacle and all its furnishings as you travel, and they must take care of it and camp around it.

God was so serious about only the Levites taking care of the Tabernacle that He said any unauthorized person needed to be put to death. 

At first glance, doesn’t it seem like the Levites got stuck with a pretty boring, tedious job? I mean, who wants to carry all the pieces of the tabernacle, set it up, take it down, and do it over and over and over and over…

Something hit me when I read this: don’t underestimate the importance of carrying loads.

We can often despise the “menial” aspects of life, work, family, and church.  We can miss that all of this is important work.  It may not seem like it while staring down an individual task, but step back and see the bigger picture.

If no one took out the garbage after a week.  If you didn’t wash your kids clothes for a month (yikes). If no one vacuumed the church in a year.  There are many examples of carrying loads, and we can keep it in proper perspective.

• We’ve each been appointed to carry loads in all the areas of our lives. It may seem ho-hum, but it’s vitally important. Besides, the Tabernacle was the place of God’s abiding presence. If you’re going to carry the load, you want His presence.
• Colossians 3:23 admonishes us, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…”  Paul doesn’t tell us only in our families or only in ministry-related tasks—he says whatever you do.  God placed where He did for a reason and we can carry the load with His help.
• If you’re not carrying your load, others have to make up the difference.  You see this in every area, but even more in churches a lot. The old axiom sure seems to ring true that “20% of the people do 80% of the work.” We’ve been exploring Mad Church Disease and burnout, and this is one reason for it. Some things are simply necessary for functioning, and someone has to carry the load. It doesn’t just go away. Are you carrying your part?

Philippians 2:13 says, “do everything without complaining or arguing.” The reality is that sometimes we simply need to carry our load—that can be in the physical sense or the spiritual sense. 

The good news is, God appointed us to carry it.  He gives us grace (as well as mercy when we fail).  Don’t underestimate the importance of what you’re doing for your family, church, or anything else.  We carry ours and the more we entrust ourselves to others, the more we can lean on them when it becomes to heavy.

What do you think? Do we underestimate the importance of load carrying? Is it hard to see the effectiveness of the “little things” you’re doing in the moment?

Light Friday Hit List: 2/26/10

Great challenges mixed with grace enough to meet them—yep, it’s been another week of my life.  I hope you too can see the hand of God and His presence as you reflect on these past days. If not, ask Him to show you!

This Friday I have some great posts to share.  Some you may have seen and some maybe not.  Maybe some you might want to reread to let the truth get a little deeper in there. Enjoy!

• Favorite Short-but-Powerful: Kindness Says… from Building His Body
• Favorite Advice: What is Marriage? by Kevin Martineau (on Making a Difference to One)
• Favorite Challenge: Rules of Engagment from Soulfari
• Favorite to Engage the Senses: Music in the Madness from What I Learned Today
• Favorite Tweet: If I have something important to say face to face, I'll email you. RT @evrythingmustgo (from @funnyoneliners)
• Favorite Funnies: Dirtiest Places on the Planet from Tyler Stanton and another great one from Jay at Soulfari, You Know You Need Help with Computers When You Think…

Encouragement, challenges, and humor—a well-rounded hit list if I do say so myself. And as if it couldn’t get any better, here is a random pic from Funnyalbumcovers.com:

Have a very blessed weekend! If you have a favorite link to share, let us see it in the comments. If you want to talk about any of my picks, I always welcome the conversation.

The Secret about Men that Isn’t a Secret

My wife left on a plane yesterday to go to a conference for teachers (specifically on the making of tests). Fascinating, I know.

She’ll be gone until Sunday evening, and I will miss her desperately. The most important reason is that I love her more than anyone else on the planet. The next-in-line reason (that looms large over me) is that she does a ton of stuff.

Now, I believe that we are partners in life and home, and I do a share of the work.  I’ve always said that if she went away on a trip and decided to run away, I would track her down because there was no way I could do all this by myself (no way) which leads me to...

The secret that isn’t such a secret: men are babies.

I said I do a share of the work, but Lord knows, it’s not an equal share.  I do what I can, but I can’t keep up. There are things she’s good at that blow my skills out of the water, and she just gets. things. done. 

Women seem to be designed this way and some take it to extraordinary, dare I say, miraculous levels.  Men seem adept at fixing VERY specific problems (according to their abilities), getting paid more money for doing it, and whining about whatever it is they have to do and don’t want to. 

I personally believe the term “busy woman” is redundant.

Most men may be tough and do some hard things, but by and large, we wouldn't make it a week doing what a woman does regularly.  We'd probably just throw our hands up, walk away, and declare it to be "impossible."

Here’s the perfect example. My wife leaves for four days this week then I turn around and will leave for a church conference the week after for five days.  She helped me the night before she left to clean the house for our dinner and Bible study for Thursday night. She put away clothes. She laid out school clothes for my daughter. She made me a Crockpot soup so we’d have dinner when we got home Wednesday night.  This isn’t even including packing her bags and entering grades for the high school classes she teaches.  These are the things I witnessed. There are probably a hundred things I didn’t see.

By contrast, on the night before I leave next week… let’s just say, I'll probably be scrambling just to get a bag packed and accomplish a fraction of what she helped me do.  But when it all gets boiled down, she knows that I need the extra help and she doesn’t. Because men and babies (and more specifically, I’m a baby).  I do my best (for the most part) and she knows and respects that.  We clearly have different skills.

It is for this reason, that I challenge you today to find some way to thank the women in your life. Whether it’s your wife, mother, sister, or whoever else—we men need to show a little appreciation past Mother’s Day and Valentine’s.

Seriously, with the amount of work they do to keep the world (and our little corner of the world) running—couldn’t we spring for some surprise flowers? Or just tell her how much you love her. Give her a hug. Rube her feet. Say how much she means to you and that you notice all her hard work. Do something and expect nothing in return! (No, not even sex).

The time for appreciation is now. Don't believe me? You know what happens to babies who get left out in the cold? I’ll tell you, they don’t make it. The longer they're out there, the more damage is done... That's what I thought: commence the honoring and celebration of the women in your life!

Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it also makes me realize how hard my beautiful wife (Andrea) works for her family, in teaching, and the church. 

Andrea, I hope you have a wonderful time and I love you so much. You amaze me. You astound me. You rock my world (in every single way).  We see your hard work and dedication for everything you do, and its only surpassed by your beauty and intelligence. God knew I needed you in this life, and I have been blessed beyond all means of expression.

Don’t worry about us. You’re babies (all of them) will be here when you get home and we’ll be so glad to see you!  Oh and that deep gash on baby girl’s cheek? Hardly noticeable. In fact, I think that’s always been there. :) I love you!

Anybody shocked by the secret that isn’t a secret?  Are you going to tell a woman in your life how great you think they are? What do you think?